Thursday, March 11, 2010

Honda - The opposite of a Toyota

It seems, when watching the news these days, that the world is filled with thousands of poor souls in Toyotas being flung along roadways at life threatening speeds, but in the case of our Honda, we have something of the opposite problem.

The old and ragged-out Honda Odyssey that we have had since the beginning of time (or the beginning of our parenting lives) seemed to develop a case of unintended and uncontrolled stopping rather than the alleged acceleration issues that Toyotas are dealing with. And while stopping would seem to be a better issue to have than having one's vehicle race off of it's own volition, it does cost some serious money to fix; a point that I will explain in more detail later. In this particular case, it wasn't a stuck brake pedal that produced the unintended stoppage. The unintended stoppage was caused by the other vehicle, MY VEHICLE, that I left parked further down the driveway.

Now hold on there... Before you jump to conclusions and start saying that there may be some issues with a certain driver not looking while driving, DON'T. I'm not pointing fingers. Nay! I will now attempt to re-construct the events of that evening using my vast experience in forensic accident analysis and disaster reconstruction, and don't doubt my qualifications, I am quite versed in accident reconstruction. I have accidentally destroyed loads of things in my life, and sometimes I have even been able to put them back together! Never mind that none of these things were cars...pfft...

1. The lead up.

The kids were out playing in the driveway when I got home, so I left the truck, that would soon make it's debut as a large tool used to stop minivans while simultaneously re-shaping the van's rear doors, at the end of the driveway. The Minivan that experienced the "unintended stoppage" was parked 30 feet away at the other end of the driveway near the house.

2. The conditions.

It was dark, and raining. The Honda, has a set of Miami-tinted windows that are practically opaque when its anything other than broad daylight. They were great when living in FL would produce seat belt buckles that could permanently sear marks on your hands, but they're not so useful now.

Here is an example of looking out the rear window of the van at night.
This simulated view is actually quite accurate

3. There were distractions.

I'm going to guess with my quite enviable set of guessing skills as to what these distractions may have been. You may vote in the comments section on your favorite if you wish. I'm sure that thousands of you will...

  • The driver was suddenly made violently ill by driving the van for the billionth trip to the store, which for some reason made her shut her eyes tightly and stomp on the accelerator.

  • Acid Rain got in the drivers eyes and made her squeeze them tight while stomping on the accelerator.

  • A meteor or UFO flashed through the night and startled the driver causing her to squeeze her eyes tightly while stomping on the accelerator.

  • Ninjas, obviously mistaking the driver for someone else, jumped from the hedge and in very poorly dubbed English threatened her -- "You kill my master! Now you die!" To which the driver squeezed her eyes shut and stomped on the accelerator.

  • Kids toys were strewn all around the driveway like a pink and purple plastic laden minefield, and the driver was looking for these items that retail for $19.99 while backing up with her foot stomping on the accelerator.
In my mind, all these are perfectly plausible candidates for what actually happened that fateful night. You decide...

4. The aftermath

To lend even more credence to my forensic accident analysis you needed any. I used high-tech satellite image technology to come up with these very technical accident scenes for you. They unequivocally show where the incident occurred and what happened.

In this first image you can see that the minivan accelerated from the tree shrouded garage area. It achieved a speed of precisely 327mph (27,000 kph) prior to the impact with my car which is conveniently noted with the orange spiky looking thing...

I wish it had been as sunny as these images. I wouldn't be writing all this absurd stuff now had it been...

There was also a google street view image that shows some evidence of what happened. How lucky the google van was driving by!
I think the skid marks were from my truck being pushed along the driveway while slowing down the van. The reddish spot may help prove my theory on the presence of Ninjas on the night in question...

And Presto! A new door that resembles modern art done by a drunken punk band!

She looks waaaaaay too happy in this picture. Whatever could cause that?

Fortunately, there were no injuries other than to pride in this accident, and my truck looked like it weathered the beating pretty well. We looked at the option of insurance...briefly...briefly like for .28 milliseconds. The total value of the car (prior to the attractively re-shaped door) was 1,800 bucks. The 1,000 dollar deductible pretty much totalled it. Then something really weird happened.

We went right out and bought a new car for her! See I told you it was weird.

It's not every day that you crash a car and then get rewarded with a new one with all the goodies you ever wanted on it.

Honestly, my wife has driven that old van forever. We put 181,000 miles on it and carried our family everywhere in the 8 years we have had it. Yeah, we drive a lot. She has put up with it for a lot longer than most people would have kept a car, and we got our money's worth out of it. It was time, and I had saved up for a car, so this wasn't totally out of the blue. Especially when the former van's transmission failed at the state line and she was stranded there until someone could come get her and the kids. A really funny thing, and a testament to how good these vans are, no matter how un-cool and un-desirable they may be, is that she picked the same car again! It's a charcoal gray Honda Odyssey, but with a whole lot of good stuff in it. If I didn't know better, I might surmise that this may have been a pre-meditated plan? If it were, couldn't she have at least hit the tree instead of my truck? sheesh...

Brenna with her new wheels!

Behind the wheel and enjoying it!

And the kids doing what they do best. Not posing for the picture. I think that Aiden's face says it all...

Thanks Brenna and I really hope you enjoy the van. You deserve it.

Also, Please forgive my snarky/silly commentary on how you arrived at getting this new car. It makes for a fun story.

Oh, and watch out for Ninjas when backing up, you might hit something...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love the blog, thanks for sharing, Brenna sure did a number on the van. Congrats on the new van. It looks awesome! Look forward to seeing soon.